lost Parent

[cathyn]

I know I'm not the only mother in Mecklenburg County with feeling of disappointment in our county jail. My son chose to break the law. He got drunk stole my car and decided to run from the police once they came across him. I am still Thanking God that no lives were lost on this date 03/10/08. His car chase ended by him wrecking on Lancaster Highway. The Officers that were after him had to make a choice to pull him from the car with power lines down. I am Grateful they did.
I made it clear to my son that I will not bail him out of jail. He is where he should be for putting so many lives in danger. Then the phone calls start coming in from the jail that what he did really isn't bad enough to keep him until his court date. What , I'm still Thanking God that no one had to die for his actions that night.
How is it that a judge decided that he should be released to me.
Our City leaders got there light rail, Now its time to work on making our county safe from the Bad Guys.Give our Police Officers a much needed pay raise. They made a bigger courthouse to do a better job & now its time our city leaders KEEP THE BAD GUYS.
My family Thanks God everyday that no one died due to my sons actions. I don't want to take the chance that he will do this again & kill someone that crosses his path.
So beware Mecklenburg Residents, you can't obtain a warrant if someone in your house steals your car. The DA wont follow Thur with the charges. If you choose to leave you child in jail, well you may get a phone call saying you need to come get him. So its no wonder crime is where it is with our teens.
I love my son very much & if he breaks the law, as a parent I should be able to keep my choice to leave him in jail. So the answer is to make a bigger JAIL. So Lets Build a Bigger Jail.
Disappointed in Pineville

[OnCrime]

Cathyn,
Thank you for sharing your situation with us. It is good to know we still have parents out there like you! My parents would have left me in jail... and still would if I committed a crime. Kids need 'tough love' sometimes and it's good to see we still have parents out there willing to dish it out when needed.
Kelly

[cathyn]

Update on my thug in training son. He made it to two court dates this week. Both continued to a much later date.4/11/08 was for unlawful use of the car & the Judge didn't make to so that is to be heard on 5/16/08. He ranaway just after court & was this morning picked up in York County for driving without a DL & charges are pending for grand larceny & possesion of stolen property. He will finally be listed with a no bond statis so I pray another Judge doesn't say I need to pick him up.I am sooo Greatful the York County Sheriff was able to get him before any lives were lost & I'm glad the car he stole wasn't crashed.
This has opened my eyes to how these thugs are in & out so fast. The court system leaves it up to the defendant to go thru evaluations on there own & instead of following thru with that they choose to commit more crimes. So how can this be changed? With the Elections just around the corner Electing the More Stern Judges?

[bruce]

I am sorry you are having so much trouble . Seek out and find good advice. A good counselor can really encourage you and help you make the hard decisions ahead..

[JCH]

Sad to hear of your problems with your son. While I don't have the details of your situation, from your posts I wouldn't necessarily say your son is a "thug in training" - I would say his actions seem more self destructive (yes, he could have hurt someone, but I don't think this was his motivation). You've mentioned alcohol, but not other substance abuse, so I won't assume anything. Unfortunately when our kids get to a certain age it seems as though they can fall through the cracks, i.e., we can't control them and the system can't keep them. If they don't want help, you can't force them. I truly believe this is an area that is quite grey in our system. They can be considered adults in some circumstances and yet they are of an age where we still feel and/or are legally responsible for them, but our hands are tied. I have had experience with these issues and there are no easy answers. Jail is basically transient, in that it serves to process a person who will eventually be in court for their crimes - it is by no means an instant sentence, nor should it be unless someone is truly a danger to others. While DWI can be dangerous, it is not considered a violent crime. Even if he had killed someone, they would still let him out. They essentially send the problem back to you until they can get around to a court date. In these cases, it would be better if they would be remanded to in-patient treatment until the court date. Substance abuse is rampant among teens and in these circumstances, it would be more valuable to our society to spend the money on treatment rather than a holding cell until the court date arrives. In the current situation your only choice is to stand by, let it play out and hope for the best. Please know that I feel your pain and my thoughts are with you.

[cathyn]

Thanks for your input.I really need all the advice I can get.I Love My son & as his Mother saw the signs & made many phone calls & appointmant to get him help with the alcohol only to be told treatment is up to him. It must be voluntary, not by force. The first time I filed a runaway report on him,he was 15yrs old. So I have tried to get him help & see now he truely must be the one that wants it.That was hard to except, as a Mother. I called the PTI made an appointment with the understanding he must be willing to follow the program again voluntary. They said they have never had a parent call to get there kid help before he commeted a crime so this was new to all of us. The day came for our meeting & he ranaway.
I see his actions are self distructive & I am lost on how to change this in him.I have five kids & he is the fourth & when he saw I wasn't going to just let his older sisters run the roads & do just whatever they pleased my thought was all of them will see I will not except this from them nor allow them to disrespct themselves in this mannor. I have reached out to learn their is no help for these kids & parents are their to pick up the peices & make the best of it.
Today I spent close to five hours working on how to terminate his bond. Apparently I am the first parent to wants to do this. The D.A.s Office was lost & also took the time out of their already overloaded day to learn the answer.I started with the magistrates office sense they ordered me to sign him out & they just laughed & stated they don't have the power for such things & sent me to the DA. They were GREAT.NOW if I can only get my son substance treatment while in jail is another question. I can't give up on him & I know their is a Wonderful Youngman in their & I want to find him before his crimes escalate any more.
I don't have all the answers but am learning more everyday. I can only Pray more parents will step up to the plate when its their son or daugther & maybe the teen crime prolbem will stop. Sure it took my morning from me THAT is a very small price to pay. Sometimes it needs to be more than just thinking the kid will straighten up. It needs to be the Parent gets actively involved. Now that my son is 17yrs old I call him a youngman that is a Thug in Training
fact of the matter is Parent Involvement!!!!

[covhome]

Hi Cathyn, I can really sympathize with your situation. I have a 17 year old daughter, who is about to be 18. She has been in trouble with the law ever since she was a victim of a violent crime at age 14. She has stolen our car twice. Both times wound up in N.C. There is a problem between NC and SC as far as kids being an adult. NC wouldn't keep her. I couldn't charge her with stolen vehicle, because both times the vehicles were taken in SC. Only 'use without permission'. But, I will say that the judges in SC at the York Co. Juvenile Court have been very good at trying to help her before she turns 18.
1. She steals car in SC. Gets caught in NC, we pick her up in Charlotte 3 days later. She is remanded to SC juvenile court. They put her on house arrest.

2. She violates house arrest. Steals car again. Gets picked up in NC 3 weeks later. (Has been exposed to crack for the first time. Uses it every day for 2 weeks.)

3. They send her to Union, SC to the Upstate Evaluation Center. She is there for several weeks, while they evalutate her. She is sent back to court where the judge places her on probation again, house arrest, told to attend GED classes in Fort Mill. (very good program and people there, especially Ms King) Gets a job. Does well there. Has to attend Keystone Substance abuse center in Rock Hill, 4 days a week. Good program. You should attend the Monday night class for parents. It will help you to 'vent' and to realize that you are not crazy!I have to drive her everyday...4:30 to 7:00 because she is not allowed to drive. Also has to attend Catawba Family Center for counseling. VERY GOOD program. I cannot recommend it enough. It helped ME a ton, to deal with the situation, and her, without becoming so affected by her behavior. They also put her on medications, which helped a lot.

4. She still smoked pot and tested positive at Keystone, left home without permission, and was placed on an ankle bracelet for monitering, still under house arrest, but she can still work and go to classes.

5. Because she violated probation and house arrest again, her counselor at Catawba and the Keystone people write a letter to the judge recommending further treatment at William S. Hall in Columbia. He agrees and she is required to go to William S. Hall in Columbia for a dual diagnosis treatment, (where they will help her deal with the violent crime that happened to her, and the substance abuse) for an indeterminate amount of time. The judge said he could keep her in the system until she is 21. I like that!! At the moment, she is at Willow Lane in Columbia (seems to be a very good program, with workers who really care about your child) where she is waiting a bed at the William S. Hall to open up). She is attending classes, and after she passes her GED, they allow her to do online college. She actually likes the structure of the program, though not being incarcerated. She thinks she can leave when she is 18, but the judge says 'no'. Not until she is released officially from Hall, and until he releases her from the court. At least she is safe, and I think it will really help.

If you cannot get him in a state program, or if you can afford to go private, there is another good program in Columia, called Three Rivers. They accept medicaid if you have it.

If you don't have private insurance, see if you can get Medicaid. You will need it, or something to pay for the programs at Catawba and Keystone. All of these places will work with you to pay, whether you have insurance or not. The York Co. Medicaid people are very easy to work with. No long lines. I guess it's because a lot of people here have money and don't need their services. Wish it was us!!! But, God has been very faithful to us in opening doors for help, that we thought we would never need!

So...try to research all the options that the SCDJJ has for you to utilize. Make a lot of phone calls to your case worker, tell them how much you want help for your child. Go to the SCDJJ website and find out all your group home options. Tell the judge what you would like to do.
Do not let your son make you feel guilty, or sorry for him. The kids are expert manipulators, no matter 'why' they are drinking and/or doing drugs. And of course, you would prefer to have them at home with you. But it totally effects the other kids, if you have more children, and it effects your relationship with your husband, if you have one. I cannot believe what a fog I have come out of just since she has been incarcerated for the past 2 weeks! It's like I'm thinking like 'me' again. And not just on auto-pilot.

I hope you find what works best for your son and your family. Blessings and Peace to you and your home.

[covhome]

Hi again Cathyn. I just noticed that it looks like you don't live in York Co. (I guess I'm not totally out of the 'fog' yet....!) Oh well. Try to do the same stuff with the Juvenile programs in Meck. if you can. I hope they don't consider him an adult there. If they do, still try to find some kind of counseling, and find out eveything you can about programs available. Our counselor told us before she re-violated probation, that we might just have to 'let her go' and let her really suffer the consequences of her actions to the 'uttermost'. I know that is hard. The first time she stole our car, my husband told me that she was 'in God's hands' now, and all we can do is pray and wait for her to 'come to herself' like the prodigal son in the Bible. It's true, but hard to walk it out. Even after she finishes all these programs, if she chooses to live like that again, we will not let her back in the house. It is just too damaging to our other family members. But, I still hope for her to really become all that she was created to be, and I trust that God 'works all things together for good'.

[JCH]

Cathyn, I applaud your efforts to do everything you can to help your son and you are right, your time is a small price to pay if it might make a difference. Been there and done that. I can only give you my own experiences. Our son's problems started at age 15 and he is now about to turn 21. We spent MANY MANY thousands of dollars on the best therapeutic boarding schools, wilderness treatments, counseling, etc. Looking back, I see that while all of these options had the potential for a positive outcome (and yes, we were able to sleep at night for a while), at some point these kids have to leave a sheltered, supervised environment for the real world of their peers. From the age of 18 to 20, our son continued his destructive behavior. We were forced to cut off all support and let him go. After several arrests and trips to the emergency room, he finally asked for help and has since finished a treatment program in Montana and 6 months at a halfway house in Louisiana. He is back in NC now with a job, an apartment and will begin school part-time in the Fall. While every situation is different, I am left thinking that in some instances we are simply postponing the inevitable. Sometimes we must let them find their own way because no amount of incarceration can prepare them to live life responsibly without the soft cushion their parents provide.

I do not envy you and I hope your son will be safe until he makes the decision to change his life.

[covhome]

JCH. Hi. I hope that we are not simply postponing the inevitable. I have thought about the story of the prodigal son, and how his father just let him go. Eventually, after much hard living, the son 'came to himself' and returned home. The son had to come to his senses himself. I know my brother, who has been clean for around 20+ years, went through treatment 3 times before he decided to quit. (and now he's a great mentor and encourager to others)

I am trying to prepare myself in case that's the route my daughter chooses after this round of treatment. I know it will be very hard to not 'rescue' her. But I am determined not to. I hope my husband won't cave in IF it comes to that. I guess it takes much heartache from your child before we 'come to ourselves' and regain our senses.

I just noticed your little saying "crime is driving me to smoke". I have not smoked, or desired to smoke a cigarette in 20 years, (after a 10 year habit) until.........all this drama with my daughter. I have had the strangest urges to just pick up a cigarette! I haven't though, as I have a pretty addictive personality, (I'm sure that's one of my daughters problems, hereditary) and it probably wouldn't take much for me to get back in the habit again. I'm already having to make myself NOT have that extra glass of wine! Oh well, thank God for wine. (our pastor said, 'you know why Jesus' mother told him to do something about the lack of wine at the wedding don't you? His disciples showed up!') Ha. He's not advocating drinking, just a joke! Our Pastor is really a 'for real' human being, and he sure will knock the religion right out of you.

Tell your son that even though I don't know him, I'm rooting for him! I hope he keeps up all the hard work and really enjoys his new journey. I hope he has a good support group full of friends who really care for him and will encourage him, and kick him in the butt if he needs it!!
I can already tell he has a good mom rooting for him too. Hope you're not smoking too much!